So I’m not a virgin, but I would like to announce that I finally, at the age of 45, have secured an actual job that pays me money for the work I do, in the field of my chosen profession.
After a lifetime of giving my time and talents to the betterment of humanity and to the blessing of my family and neighbor, a special little rage inside me insists that my time is worth compensation. I imagine that sounds silly to anyone who has been gainfully employed or supported themselves financially.
Maybe I’m not alone. Who else has waited through child-rearing years and/or spouse career changes and growth for the chance to test their own metal? Would I be received in the world I was taught was only for men? Some may recoil and defend The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as having never taught that. But inside my bones I judged my mom for working outside the home. Church taught me that the man was to provide and the woman was to nurture and raise the children. A woman was only church-sanctioned to enter the workforce if she needed to provide for her family because of her husband’s death or health limitations, or in the face of divorce (which must only come in cases of abuse.) My dad was alive and he wasn’t abusive.
I was taught to love motherhood, and I came by it quite honestly. My whole body adores the little people I had the privilege to grow and raise. But as a human, I want to play the game that I was told was only for boys.
So here I am, 45, mother of 5, devoted military spouse for 20 years, loving lover to my friend and husband, James, FINALLY getting my chance.
When I made this announcement to my parents my mom asked if I would have time for school too. Yes. Then she asked if I would have time to “mom.” Yes. Though this is a valid question, I was hit with guilt that is specially pointed at women, and never asked of grown men getting a part-time job. As a grown-ass 45 year-old woman I’m still fighting repressive and damaging belief systems. They sound so beautiful when taught at church, but are corrosive to my confidence and power.
I feel happy, excited, embarrassed at my excitement, angry at the false belief systems that still influence my mom-guilt… but mostly I feel grateful that my family supports this shift in me. I feel giddy at the circumstances and good people who have helped me find a foothold in Las Vegas.
More and more I feel connected to humanity. Community. I have been hungry for a team to help me create and I am finding that tribe. It is satisfying after so many decades of ache, watching from the outside.
I’m starting my training as a Production Assistant at the premier recording studio in Las Vegas, The Hideout.
(insert happy dance and squeals)
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